I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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