You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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