My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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