I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
