dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
