I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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