I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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