I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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