Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
