I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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