sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
