when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
