what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Pants are for mortals
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