His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
