We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
