Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
