Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
