On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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