why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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