I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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