why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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