I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
