HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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