I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's rum buckets o'clock
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
