i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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