her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
