thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
