Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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