you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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