I think I won the penis lottery.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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