I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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