you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
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What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
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