At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
