hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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