Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
