I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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