I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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