you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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