Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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