God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
