Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
