I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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