Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
