it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
