I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
