I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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