Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
