Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
