fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
