she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
