Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
