wrigley field is MILF paradise
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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