and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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