I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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