i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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