We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
