I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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