I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
